I've been really thinking lately, and struggling with a few things and wondering what God's purpose for us is right now in this season of life.
(This is a somewhat more "deep" post than usual...so if you're looking for crafts or natural living, today isn't the day. :)
We thought we were moving to Oklahoma in April.
It turns out, every door we tried to open was closed- we couldn't sell our house, we couldn't find a rental house, we couldn't find a job, we couldn't even get change of address forms from the post office! (I tried two different post offices, and both of them were out.) That was the final tipping point- down to the little details, it was clear that God wanted us to stay here.
We prayed and prayed about it and it was obvious we needed to stay where we are.
So we did.
God has totally blessed our obedience and given Tim an awesome new job, we have our cute chickens and are financially doing better than we have ...pretty much ever, even though things are still tight.
I still feel discontented.
Like I'm missing out on some great adventure, and instead I'm stuck in this hot, sticky, sunny place with no beach and tons of humidity when all I really want is to see mountains and have cool nights and rain and be able to be outside for more than 5 minutes without feeling like I'm going to faint from the heat.
I feel frustrated because I really don't want to be here.
We have several friends who are moving away and I don't want to be left here without them and without any family.
I wish we could still move, not to Oklahoma but somewhere else...somewhere cooler with mountains and wide open expanse where we can have a small farm, but it just seems impossible.
Yet, I just have to trust that God knows best for my life; for our family, that His plans are right and true and good even when they don't seem like it.
The theme of the year for us is "Trust" and boy, is God teaching me that right now.
I know he is good, but do I really trust him? Even when he leads me places I don't want to be?
The answer has to be yes, even though my flesh cries out "no" with each passing moment that it is denied.
I have to trust, because if I don't, I would be denying Him lordship in my life which means I wouldn't really believe he is; indeed my Saviour and worthy of all my trust, my praise. That He is worthy of all glory and honor and obedience...and I am nothing without Him.
A song keep coming to mind when I have days like this; it's by a band called Something Like Silas (they're not together anymore but they were really great)
"So I'll trust You, when I cannot see,
So I'll trust You, when the shadows hover over me
And I'll love you, when the distance leaves me cold,
And I'll love you, and I'll still believe that You are Sovereign Lord"
And then the bridge goes,
"I'm learning to trust, I'm learning to feel, I'm learning to love you, always."
And so, even though I don't know why we're supposed to still be here, I will trust.
This verse jumps out at me pretty much every morning, when I'm having my quiet time on the back steps, sipping my black, sweet coffee and watching the chickens scratch in the dew.
I am doing my best to dwell in His shelter, because that is really the only shelter we need.
"He that dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."